A lack of sexual desire–the thoughts you have around sex–is the number one reason couples in North America stop having sex. What that means for you is: if you have negative thoughts towards sex before, during and after the sexual encounter, it will profoundly dampen your desire to have sex.
I call it the ‘oh crap phenomenon’: “Oh crap, do I have to have sex tonight”, or “Oh crap, you want sex now! Can’t you see I’m exhausted?” To get back your sexual desire, you need to start having positive thoughts towards sex.
Tthink about something that is an indulgence–a bath, a professional massage, reading a book uninterrupted for an hour. You look forward to these times because it is a nurturing space and it’s all about you. This is how you should feel when going into the sexual experience; it’s all about you, and your needs, wants and desires.
That you being sexually satisfied does matter and it will be attended to by your partner. There are many ways to overcome a low sexual desire and I’ve listed the five below.
However, if you are experiencing marital difficulty in other areas–over finance, children, inequitable distribution of household chores–you must work through these first. Women tend to hold on to and not forget these hurts, making it that much more difficult to have any sexual desire.
That said, pick one of five, think about it and move into action.
Sex is so Much More Than Having an Orgasm
The irony of women’s emancipation is men and women were told that once a woman got her orgasm, she would be sexually satisfied. Surprise! Healthy women can and do consistently have an orgasm but still have no sexual desire. Regrettably, couples looking for answers to their sexual woes focus on having a bigger, better orgasm–via sex positions, sex toys, g-spot orgasm, etc.
Having an orgasm is a very small part of what your sex can and should be. Therefore, you need to refocus your attention to the sensual side of sex.
Your Sexual Needs Are Equal
There’s a shift when couples move into long term relationship where too many women stop asking for what she wants.
Sex becomes less satisfying because she does not discuss her sexual needs have changed and are not being met.
Add to this, women resent that in order for the sex to be ‘successful’, he must always have his grand finale orgasm. This leaves too many women feeling like her needs always come second to his. You are half of the sex team. Your needs are as important as his. To enjoy sex again, you can no longer take a back seat.
Understand What You Want Out of Sex
If you’re not happy with the way sex is in your relationship, then you have to know what you want out of the sexual experience. Generally, many women want to be nurtured that’s why every sex expert under the sun professes, foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Unfortunately, too many women skip foreplay because they just want to get the sex over with.
Not having the kind of sex you want creates a chicken and egg situation of: you’re never aroused enough during sex because your sexual needs aren’t being met; and you don’t look forward to sex (a.k.a. sexual desire) because you are never aroused enough during the sexual experience.
Get Back In Touch With Your Body
Women live inside there head and disconnect themselves from their neck down. Multitasking is great everywhere BUT the bedroom. A woman must allow herself to bask in her amazing senses taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing. Not only that, be okay with unabashedly taking sensual pleasure from the sexual experience. Your body is an absolute wonderland that invites you to enjoy sex. It’s time you get on board.
Be an Active Participant in Planning Your Sex
Too many women are still passive participants in the bedroom. She waits for her partner to initiate. She lets her partner figure out what to do during the sexual encounter…and then gripes when it’s not what she wanted. It is imperative she be proactive in the sexual experience. To initiate then follow through with what she wants. This will give her much needed sexual self-confidence which will then enable her to build a bigger, better sex life.
Last Word on Sexual Desire
Getting your sexual desire back doesn’t have to be difficult or time consuming. It does, however, mean you sit down and take an honest assessment of why you don’t desire sex. Once you figure it out, moving into a sex life that you look forward to is quite easy.
Esther Perel discusses how women can ‘spice up her sex life’. Her theories might surprise you.
Cover photo by freepik