When I began exploring my sexuality, I had no idea it would lead me down the path into BDSM, or that I would like some of it as much as I do.
At the time I was a nail tech and I had met a girl who I became fast friends with. She would tell me stories of the man she was dating, and the things they would do and we would bond over us both not understanding why but knowing we craved to know more about the world of BDSM.
I felt a sense of relief inside that felt like I was “normal”. I had no idea other people liked these things too, or that it was ok to like them. Due to a lot of abuse & trauma growing up, I truly believed something was wrong with me because of it. To finally have the realization that I could like what I liked and it was not because of what I had experienced, was like being a kid in a candy store & being told I could have whatever I wanted.
I went crazy a little bit, I went on fetlife and other sites like it, I joined swinging groups, changed my bio’s on dating apps. It felt like I was free, finally! But in doing so there was so much out there, it was almost over stimulating and I thankfully had the retrospection to pull back a little and watch, read and seek knowledge about the whole new world I was diving into.
The BDSM world was exciting to me and I quickly had man “doms” contact me and claim to be what I needed, that they could show me the way and train me, but there were rules I had to follow and thing I had to start doing immediately! If you know me, you’ll laugh at this part because I don’t play by the rules and I most certainly don’t do as I’m told. For a while I was confused about my desires and what they meant about how I identified in the BDSM world but I stayed true to myself and my intuition, knowing that there had to be more out there than these men in my DM’s telling me to do as I’m told or I am not a “sub”.
about a year later, my friend moved away to Toronto and right away we talked about and made plans to go to one of the Sex clubs there. It was not like the ones where we were from where you had to jump through a million to get into it, you could just go! Walk in the door, sign your waver, go through your into, agree to behave and pay your fee. It wasn’t hidden, and the building it was a piece of history. The house had been a brothel when it was illegal to be gay, there had been raids and arrests made in this place. I felt in awe of the history the walls held and the stories it would tell.
So my friend and I went to this club, we only had two options on the dates I was there, a “Unicorn Night” or a “Gay Night” (for men) so of course the former is what we went with. We both knew we weren’t going for sex, but to be apart of history and to be around others like us. And we REALLY wanted to see the dungeon!! SO off we went in our bathing suits, as one does when you go to Auqualounge in Toronto (They have a heated outdoor pool and indoor hot tub).
Fast forward to use finally finding the Dungeon after touring around and taking it all in. It was where we both instantly felt at home, and that’s when I saw him. He was there with a woman and they were engaging on some play but not like you might assume. She was like art, the way she moved around the chains, they way the played with each other and he walked around with an energy that you just knew he was a Dom. and by Dom I mean a Dominant. He carried a quiet confidence and I couldn’t help but in awe of him. He wasn’t someone who would stop you in your tracks due to his looks but his energy certainly would.
We watched him and her continue on to engage in impact play and I watched as his monstrous hands made contact with her tiny frame and I felt a rush over me of fear and desire, desire to be under his blows and then to feel the caress after but also fear of how big his hands were. I knew in that moment I had witnessed what I understood a Dom to be. I was never able to put many words together to describe it but he was it! So when we later ended up chatting with them and he asked if I wanted to play, I almost scurried away like a tiny mouse but I remember him saying to me as his Sub was showing my friend a few things (she was a switch – between domme and sub) “you don’t have to be afraid, I know what you need”. And he did, every singe action he took, every single word he spoke, it was calculated and perfect. He knew exactly how much to push and how much to pull back, what to whisper in my ear and how to encourage me and not once did he every tell me there were rules nor did he tell me I must listen, he just commanded it all with his presence and in return gave me what I didn’t know I needed, submission.
am certain I will never forget his presence or the feeling of his blows or the caress that came after, an experience I am forever grateful for. As we left the club that night I could feel his sadness too, that he would never see me again, for I lived on the other side of the country to him but I told him how grateful I was and that it was exactly what I had come for. Forever shaping my love for BDSM for the better.
With Wild Love,
This article was originally published here.